CUL-DE-SAC

On the trail no one wanders. The exception is me

On the ground that rises and falls with the trees.

I see flat fields of grass with islands of brush.

I walk through tree tunnels whose walls I can touch, 

Green limbs hang above and a dirt trail below

Stand still and hear bird calls from points in the trees

The birds are unseen but songs signal their places.

Mountain lions are unseen and they don’t make a sound

If they’re present they see you cross their hunting ground.

An oak tree’s half dead and it’s gnarled fingers reach  

To the sky and the earth like a horror show actor.

The lush flora dampens the sounds of the city 

It holds me and shields me from the world beyond here.

The things that I see and the things that I hear

Make a beautiful garden where I do not have fear. 

It’s a peace that I find, at least in my mind.

Today I’m at the front end of a two week vacation. Not going anywhere.  Just not working.

This is going to take some getting used to.

In the sunset of my career I wonder, What’s next?

And I’d better get used to it since I’m 65, and I’m planning to retire when I turn 66. Why am I retiring? Because I’m gonna be 66.

Yes, I’ve grown tired of the daily grind and age discrimination is a real thing. The opportunities I had in years past are less common these days.

People begin to look at you in the workplace and wonder why you’re still there. I remember a man named David Candow who used to do some training for me and my colleagues. He once explained to us why he left his long-time employer, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

“I felt myself circling the drain,” he said.

Now I know what he means.

I have been looking forward to retirement and people congratulate me when they hear that it’s near. My finances are pretty good, thanks to some planning but a lot more good fortune. Speaking of good luck, a year ago I met my partner Linda. I don’t fear loneliness like I used to.

Even so, what’s it going to be like, not having to go to work? This week I’ve been mostly idle. I think to myself, “I don’t have to go to work tomorrow, or the next day. I don’t have to go to work next week either.”  It’s a blessing when it’s a welcome break from work. But what’s it like when that blessing just keeps going? Is it still a blessing?

Sure I want to travel and do fun things. But constantly traveling and recreating is too expensive and, well, it’s just not for me. The most appealing description of retirement I have heard came from a colleague who said, “Retirement means I get to quit my day job.”

Quitting your day job doesn’t mean you move on to doing nothing. It means you find another occupation that is more fun, less money and less work. I don’t know what that occupation is going to be. But gimme some time and maybe I’ll figure it out.