Another Toilet Paper Story

Warning: Some may find this story distasteful because it involves… well, you know.

Now that we’re in the midst of the great global sickness, toilet paper is flying off the store shelves. I don’t know why. Does coronavirus give you the runs? Maybe. Or maybe people just stock up on toilet paper when they fear disaster is imminent. My home supply is getting short. I now have three toilets and only two rolls of toilet paper.

Yesterday this caused a problem.

I was on the phone with MetLife trying to work out an insurance problem that I feared could result in a huge, unexpected bill. I finally got them on the phone, after being on hold forever, and they told me I had to contact my bank.

I called the bank (was put on hold) and then realized I really had to use the bathroom. I took my phone into the bathroom, not expecting to need it because this would be another huge wait on hold, right? I passed my fecal load before I realized there was no toilet paper left. Then the bank suddenly came on the line with a cheery, “Can I help you?” There I was with a unclean backside, no toilet paper and separated from my laptop computer that I now realized I should have also brought to the toilet.

I heard my son rummaging in the nearby kitchen.

“Nicholas! Bring me some paper towels!” He was unresponsive. “Nicholas, I need them now!” All this was heard by the bank employee since I’m not used to putting my iPhone on mute. I’m sure she found this strange/uncomfortable so I hope, at least, it gave her a good story to tell.

I got cleaned off, got back on the phone and was able to check some stuff on my laptop. Following this event, all my bathrooms are equipped with something, either a roll of TP or a box of kleenex. I’ll visit the grocery story again today to find out, probably, that they still don’t have any toilet paper.

The call to the bank, BTW, did not solve my problem. I had to call the insurance company again.

UPDATE: Yesterday my son looked in one of our closets and he found 3 rolls of toilet paper. We’re back in business baby!






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